Directed by: Jonathan Eusebio
Written by: Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, and Luke Passmore
Starring: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Mustafa Shakir, Lio Tipton, Daniel Wu, Rhys Darby, and Marshawn Lynch
Runtime: 83 minutes
‘Love Hurts’ is a dull and painful slog, even over a scant 83 minutes
“Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and marks.” - “Love Hurts” (1975) by Nazareth
The opening line to Nazareth’s classic rock song carries a looming dark cloud over affairs of the heart.
Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan) takes an opposite outlook on life and love. This energetic realtor from an unknown city in Wisconsin (even though the film was shot in Winnipeg) opens director Jonathan Eusebio’s “Love Hurts” with positive decrees that playfully frolic to audiences’ ears.
“Every day is an opportunity to change your life,” Marvin spouts.
Marvin bikes to work from the suburbs to his large realtor office, bringing pink valentine cookies in tow. This shining star of the community is an all-around model citizen.
Unbeknownst to his coworkers, including his admin, Ashley (Lio Tipton), Marvin has a secret past.
Sure, he can close a sale faster than you can say, “Escrow.”
However, he can dispense clotheslines and elbows faster than you can say, “Here comes the pain!”
Years ago, our cheerful lead worked for his lawless brother, Knuckles (Daniel Wu), as a hired heavy, an enforcer, and his hands and feet are lethal weapons. Now, his unseemly career history – that he refrains from posting on LinkedIn – invades his present, and Marvin is forced to settle an old score with his kin.
“Love Hurts”, an action comedy in which Marvin attempts to hide his violent side from his agreeable lease (pardon the pun) on life, on paper (or in a pitch meeting), seems like a gratifying popcorn-munching thrill.
Unfortunately, barely any of the laughs land, and although there are some clever fight sequences – with fists, darts, and knives (Oh my!), there isn’t enough bloodshed over the scant 83-minute runtime, compared to “John Wick” flicks or “Nobody” (2021), Bob Odenkirk’s ferocious vehicle.
Let’s call out the Odenkirk movie because the “Love Hurts” poster touts, “From the producers of ‘Nobody’ and ‘Violent Night’.”
Indeed, the 54-year-old Quan rises to the challenge of this intense physical role. He performs admirably through punches, kicks, and brawling acrobatics, but the script doesn’t give Marvin the opportunities for titular moments where he releases severe, ungodly damage on his opponents. Marvin is a pleasant fella, but we never see him completely unleashed as a depraved, merciless fighting machine, and this potential for a striking Jekyll-Hyde dichotomy doesn’t materialize. Although Marvin holds his own, his nice-guy persona never really leaves him, even when Knuckles calls him a “monster.”
Come on, Marvin. Get monstrous!
The broader problem, however, is that the film feels recycled, tired, and ordinary. It’s filled with supposedly colorful, intriguing henchmen who pseudo-resemble the constant collection of maniacs from “Smokin’ Aces” (2006) but have all the fearful grit of “Knight Rider” (1982) antagonists during a mid-season episode. Here, our felons look for Rose (Ariana DeBose), who is the key to finding a pile of Knuckles’ missing cash, and the woman shouldn’t even be alive because Marvin was assigned to kill her back in the day.
Uh oh! Rose is on the loose, and Marvin might lose his existence on Earth or, at a minimum, some teeth.
Actually, this is the fate of an accountant, Kippy (Rhys Darby), but Eusebio zooms in on the man’s mouth – possibly a couple of times - and reveals the cheap plastic toy gums.
Shucks. There goes the suspension of disbelief.
Screenwriters Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, and Luke Passmore include about a half-dozen baddies. The scoundrels emit mindless chatter and repeated ultimatums about finding Rose and Marvin while slipping in a tale of a failing relationship over text and a potential love affair between Ashley and The Raven (Mustafa Shakir). The small-time villains don’t take themselves too seriously, so neither did I. None of the supporting romantic or depraved entanglements emotionally or comedically stick except with King (Marshawn Lynch). Lynch, the former NFL running back, has charisma on-screen as he did on the football field, and this critic would love to see “Beast Mode” in more projects. (Imagine my surprise when IMDb revealed 22 acting credits to his name.)
Otherwise, “Love Hurts” is a painful, drawn-out (even over 83 minutes) march to an ultimate showdown between Knuckles and Marvin and a reunion between Rose and our hero. Is there love in the air?
Possibly. But who cares?
Still, it’s hard not to root for Ke. Ke Huy Quan famously made his triumphant comeback to the big screen in “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (2022), and he’s probably at the top or near the top of actors to stand up and cheer for more success. See also Demi Moore!
No question, the “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny” (2023) missed a golden opportunity to cast Ke as Short Round again along with Harrison Ford. Maybe Ke’s presence could have saved Indy’s lackluster 2023 movie or presented it with some genuine joy and nostalgia.
Unfortunately, no lead could save this film.
“Love Hurts” scars, wounds, and marks.
Jeff’s ranking
1/4 stars
